I kept it together for a while. Longer than I expected to.
But now it's just getting too fucking hard to look at myself in a mirror. I keep over-analyzing every single thing about myself. Every flaw, every quirk. I figured I'd be further along, by now. I was under the impression I was making some sort've progress, even on a miniscule scale. It doesn't help that I keep trying to make myself more accessible emotionally, only to be told how I'm only good for sex. (To be fair, no one has outright said that. They just imply it with... "I want to fuck you, but have absolutely nothing to do with you past that.")
I have developed this massive inferiority complex. When I was 19, I'd have killed to be the guy who was only needed for sex, and not much else. But now? I just want to remember what it's like to matter after the sheets are straightened out. I have reserved myself to the fact that I'm not the greatest looking, or most emotionally stable guy on the planet. I go from zero-to-fuck-you in 5 seconds flat. I have long held out hope that - SOMEWHERE - there's a girl that can handle that about me. Shit, even a girl that can just accept that it happens, and shrug it off when it does.
But as of late, I just look at the people I associate with, or the people I'm remotely interested in, or vice-versa, and can't help but think of all the ways they can - and probably will - disappoint me, later on down the road. I can't remember the last time someone got close to me without wanting something from me, to some capacity. I know not everyone is that selfish. I know some people just have a really skewed way of handling things. But I literally feel like the only thing that any girl has any sort've attraction to about me? Lies below my waist. Maybe that sounds like ego, but I swear to god? The last 3 women I've gotten involved with in any capacity? Gone straight for the sexual aspect of things. And jesus christ, maybe this sounds like something you'd never hear leave my lips? But I am sick of sex with no emotional involvement. Sex without love is about as meaningless to me as love without sex, at this point.
God, I'm rambling.
I don't know, I feel like maybe this is payback for all the years I just tossed girls away without a second thought. But I thought I made up for that? I thought that going out of my way to be the nice guy, and to sacrifice my emotions for someone else's was my way of fixing that terrible oversight. I guess I was wrong, because I just keep getting subjected to the same series of events with a different hair color.
I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night in the past two weeks. I actually cried myself to sleep, last night. How fucking lame is that? I've never done that. I wasn't sobbing, or anything like that. I just got teary eyed, it spiraled, and the next thing I knew, I was asleep. I don't even remember what triggered it. Just that it happened.
I feel like I need to keep my guard up at all times, these days. I'm genuinely terrified of the idea of letting anyone close to me, now. I am under the impression that everyone is going to use me up and toss me aside at the first chance they get. It's a sad state of affairs when I'd rather be lonely than vulnerable.
